and then it happened....

For the first few weekends of Jan 2016 I had been meeting guys for marriage. I thought 17th January 2016, would be no different than the previous weekend. I will meet the guy , feel no connection , somehow continue the conversation to complete my coffee and will come back home with frustration. But to my surprise this was a different meeting. I enjoyed the conversation more than my coffee.

My meeting was arranged with him at Starbucks in the afternoon. I had a chain of thoughts running on my mind which was the norm before meeting any guy. Will I like him ? Will he be genuine?, Will it click with him ? and so on. 

I was standing outside Starbucks along with my parents. As Always, I was filled with mixed emotions of excitement and nervousness. I called him to check where he is. He was waiting inside Starbucks. I called him outside because my parents also wanted a glimpse of him and then there was an introductory session. After which we both went inside Starbucks. We had a general talk on different topics. I got very comfortable and did not feel that I am talking to him for the first time. I had a  habit of asking guys about their favorite romcom movies and then judging their romance quotient from it. Of all the guys that I had met he was the first one whose favorite romcom movie was same as mine . He liked the movie so much that he even had a phone cover of that movie. I suddenly had bells ringing in my head. After that again we had a general talk about family background and culture. I did not realize how one hour had passed by. We went downstairs and started taking a walk. At that time I felt something different and thought I cannot just leave it here and so asked him for his number.

After coming back home, I knew that I liked him but I still had fear and uncertainty. So to feed my mind, I did astrology, tarot and numerology. Though I do not adhere to astrology and other related sciences, but I feel when there is fear you tend to lean more on such resorts. All their analysis and predictions disappointed me and confused me even more. When I went to meet him for the second  time I was totally confused. But after meeting him somehow my doubts, questions and confusion just disappeared, I kept feeling right and good about him. At that time I realized that these analysis and predictions are hardly of any use because nothing can guide you best except your own gut feeling.

I went back home and was extremely happy. Next day I called him and said I just want to listen to my heart . He was also sure of me and wanted to take this further. We got engaged on 13th March,2016. And then there was start to a new chapter in my life.

 

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The pain of break up is inevitable but suffering is optional.

It is hard to let go the person you love the most. The pain of separation is terrible. We experience that this emotional pain is terrible than any physical illness. The emotional wound is very deep and there is no medication to heal this wound. We want an instant solution but we fail to find one.

We give ourselves no logic when we fall in love with someone as we think our heart knows no logic. We never ask ourselves why am I falling in love with him/her? . But then when our heart breaks why do we go on looking for a logic in that. We want to know why it happened, how it happened, what went wrong ,etc. All of a sudden our mind rules our heart and we go on hunting for all the answers possible which does not help in anyway. Logical reasoning will not help you heal your heart. It will give you a feeling of fighting against the situation but we forget that we are actually fighting a lost battle. Your heart does not know to take revenge or play games until it takes help of mind. I think when the matter is of heart it should be solved by heart. And heart can heal its wound only by acceptance, love and forgiveness.Acceptance will only mend your broken heart.

If god gave you a choice of being with the person you love for a limited period of time or never meeting that person in your life, What would you choose ? If your answer is for a limited period of time ,then you have to face the repercussions of it.  Love is the binding force of any relationship . If for any reason any of the partner decides to part ways ,it needs to be respected. But generally we end up giving justification to stay together and this strangles the relationship even more.

Break up is like an open heart surgery completed with love and forgiveness. Success or Failure of it depends on your ability to accept and let go.

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The Illusion of Safety

Insecurity is a state of being unsafe. Insecurity makes one feel uncertain, low on confidence and anxious about oneself. We are always searching for two kinds of security. Physical security and emotional security. Physical security is feeling physically safe and protected and emotional security is feeling emotionally safe about one’s emotions.We can easily get physical security from people around us but I think we make the mistake of finding emotional security as well, from others.

What happens when we make our emotional security dependant on others? We actually end up feeling more insecure because we are always under the fear of losing that security. We start acting and emoting what the other person will want us to be, to save this feeling of security. To retain this security we even cling on to the other person and unknowingly play the role of a parasite .We suck on to the other persons emotional strength , time ,energy and their valuable qualities. It no more remains a healthy relationship but a parasitic relationship in which one is continuously gaining and the other is continuously giving .

Why do we feel insecure and unsafe about our own emotions? Why do we look for our emotional security in different relationships? If we remember our childhood ,we will realize that we got conditioned to trust others more than us. We were taught how to respect others, talk with others, be nice with others, care and love others but we were rarely taught how to respect ,love,care and talk with our own selves. We were indirectly taught to repress our true feelings and emotions and thus we never felt comfortable and safe with our own emotions. We looked for our emotional safety and assurance from others. And because of this process we started trusting the other person more than us.We started feeling secure with them and insecure without them.We developed a very weak relationship with ourselves .We got disconnected from our being and started searching for this connection and security outside.

We should understand that a relationship is an inward outward journey and not vice versa .One cannot form good relationship with others if one has a weak relationship with oneself. Until one feels secure from within, one can never find security in one’s relationships. So Let’s focus first on building a good relationship with one self.

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Let's become Honest about being Dishonest!

We are always inculcated with different “good” values during our childhood. Honesty is one such value which is taught to us and given a lot of importance. When I think of it, I find it very difficult to define Honesty. The meaning of Honesty given in dictionary is, the act, quality or condition of being honest; to be truthful. If this is Honesty then why do we see different versions of it. We had come across many situations during our childhood which made us rethink about honesty. For example we were told to be good to people even if we did not like them, like when your father did not want to attend to the person at the door or the phone, he told us to tell that person that he is not home. Then there are people, who backbite about you, but meet you with so much love and compassion in person, that you get confused. Most of our childhood experiences made us believe that little adultery is part of honesty.

We formed a new definition of honesty which includes white lies and little manipulation. These white lies and manipulations are very frequently used by us because we think it is harmless. We even justify it by saying that we do this because we do not want to hurt the other person. Most of the couples keep on saving their relationships with the help of a little manipulation and white lies and feel that they are doing this because they love and care each other. We use selective honesty in our relationships today.

I always asked this question to myself, why do we feel the need to be dishonest? I understood that honesty is a two way relationship. You cannot expect the other person to be honest with you if you are not receptive and likewise you cannot be honest with a person who is not receptive. Honesty requires courage for both the persons involved, the giver and the receiver. Actually we need to check our acceptance and receptive ability whenever we blame the other person for not being honest.

It is really difficult to be truly honest everytime with every person in every situation.  In today’s time, the proverb “Honesty is the best policy” has changed to “Honesty is the best policy, Conditions apply”.

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Let your relationships be intoxicating and not toxic!

A Relationship is the connection or a bond two people share with each other. It is said that there is a purpose behind every relationship. According to me the purpose behind any relationship is the same. It is meant for learning, growth and sharing.  It gives you a comfortable environment for self-discovery and growth. When you find this comfort level with someone you decide to be with that person. Once you have found it you try in every possible way to save and maintain that relationship. We think, after putting all this effort into it, the dynamics of the relationship should never change with that person. But we don’t understand that this thinking invites all kinds of trouble in our relationship. Somewhere we forget that every individual keeps on changing and evolving overtime, at their own pace. We fail to acknowledge this change in the other person because we don’t like this change. It will rarely happen that both individuals will evolve at the same pace. We shouldn't forget that the relationship can still remain as beautiful as it first started, if this change in the other person is noticed and accepted gracefully.

Relationship is the only medium in which one can express oneself. Healthiness or unhealthiness of a relationship can be judged by what you express and experience in it .In an unhealthy relationship one will mostly express anger, hatred ,hurt and sadness and In a healthy relationship one will mostly express love, respect, trust and gratitude .

Relationships become nasty when we cling on to it and don’t want to accept that some relationships are not meant to continue for eternity. They come with an expiry tag. We fail to see it or do not want to see this tag. Like anything else, if continued to be used after its expiry date, it becomes toxic. If relationships are continued even after the purpose of it is over,it becomes toxic and unhealthy. Although, some people continue being there out of fear of being alone. According to me relationships never fail, it just means that its purpose in your life was only for that limited time.

Now the choice is on us, if we want to continue living in this toxic relationship or be strong enough and face our insecurity. It’s just a matter of choice.

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The Other side of love.

Love ,is a feeling which everyone wants to experience at some point of time. If you look around you will find people who are either happy because they are in love or sad because they are out of love. Now the question is ,has love really become a luxury that only a few can have it ? Love is universal but somehow we have forgotten it. We forget that we are in this universe today because of love and we are full of love , but then why do we see people begging for it when they already have it?I think one can only beg for physical things like food or money , but love, respect and compassion are abundant in each one of us provided we are ready to look within. Love is not to be begged for ,it is always to be found and felt within and shared.

We are conditioned in our society to not to live our lives for ourselves but for others. We are told that If you please others ,you will be liked ,sacrifice yourself for someone and you will be loved. I don’t think we need to disconnect from our being to experience this feeling. Love is what we are. We do not need to give a part of us to experience this basic emotion. Love is free, but today we are expected to pay a heavy price (emotionally and materialistically) to experience it. Sometimes, I wonder how a basic emotion like love has become so complex.

Being a Psychologist I come across many clients suffering in their relationships due to lack of love. The problem only gets worse when they want to fulfil this lack by demanding love from others. Love which is supposed to be unconditional has become conditional. If I look around I see most of the relationship problems arising because we want to change the other person in the name of love , and to get love we even abuse ourselves and others emotionally and physically, but we need to ask ourselves, is it really love ?.Love is a powerful emotion which can either make you or break you ,so it’s important not to cloud this emotion with other emotions like jealousy or possessiveness.

Love is everywhere provided we clear off the dirt of insecurity, hatred,resentment, jealousy from our lenses . Love is something not to be asked for but given freely. 

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